my community said i could protect myself from a fire-fuck-ball by hiding under wood

Fiquei com vergonha do post anterior de novo. Acho que isso nunca vai acabar. Mas enfim, esse não tem piada de pum. É o Lewis Black falando sobre a segurança dos EUA depois dos ataques de 11 de setembro. Parece sério mas não é. E meio que é. É engraçado porque é verdade.




Eu fico querendo quotá-lo o tempo todo e nunca dá pra escolher um trecho só. Quem tiver tempo, clica aqui em "Mais..." que vale a pena.
"Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT...and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller."

"The argument we have about abortion is not about abortion. It's about when life begins. And we argue it, and we argue, and we argue! I say we take all the people who think they know and yell and scream and they're sure when life begins and they're sure when life ends, and we lock them in a room. And we tell them to figure it out. And they don't come out until they do. And if they can't, then we kill them."

[referring to Rick Santorum calling gays a "threat to the american family"] "It's prejudice, and it's ignorance, on a level that is staggering at this point in time. But, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's a group of gay bandidos. They travel from village to dell. And as night falls, they travel to that cul-de-sac, where only one house stands. And in the window, you see a family, just setting down to their evening meal. And these queers don their black hoods, and matching pumps, very tasteful. Sneak up to the house ever so slightly, open the door, and start FUCKING EACH OTHER IN THE ASS. AND ANOTHER AMERICAN FAMILY...IS DESTROYED!"

"Why do Bush and his Christian buddies believe marriage is between a man and a woman? Because it says so in the Bible - the Old Testament to be exact. Of course, they've forgotten we have a thing in this country called the 'separation of church and state' or, as I like to call it in layman's terms, 'the tough shit law'. But they also seem to have forgotten that the New Testament is the Christian Bible and the Old Testament is the Jewish bible. Please allow me to speak on behalf of my people: 'Keep your fucking Christian Right noses out of our reading material!'"

"I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest."


"Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, 'Fossil.' And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads."

"When from behind me, a woman of 25 uttered the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life. She said, 'If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.' I'll repeat that. I'll repeat that because that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, 'It's dark in here, and we may die.' She said, 'If it weren't for my horse...' as in, giddy up, giddy up, let's go - 'I wouldn't have spent that year in college,' a degree-granting institution. Don't! Don't think about that sentence for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose. The American medical profession doesn't know why we get an aneurysm. It's when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apparent reason. There's a reason. You're at the mall one day, and somebody over there says the dumbest thing you've ever heard and it goes in your ear. So you turn around to see if your friends heard it, cause if your friends heard it, and you can talk about what the jackass said, then it'll be gone. But your friends are over here, pretending they're gonna buy a cellular phone, and they're not gonna buy a cellular phone, because they don't even understand how the rate structure works. So you turn back, to find the person who said it, because if you can ask 'em a question like, 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!' then it'll go away. But they're gone. And now those words are in your head. And those words don't go away. Cause the way I see it, 7% of our brains functions all the time, because 99% of everything that happens is the same old stuff. We get it. All right. Move on. Get it. Right. But every so often, something like that happens: 'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college'. So your brain goes, 'LET'S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that's about!' I wonder, was she riding the horse to school? No, she wouldn't be riding the horse to school. Maybe it was a polo pony; she had a polo pony scholarship. Maybe she sold the horse and that's it. She was betting on the horse! WHAT THE FUCK?!! And then you realize that anybody who went to college would never say anything that stupid in public. And as soon as you have that thought, your eyes close and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom."

"Metal detectors don't work. I went through the metal detector and they said, 'we're gonna have to check you'. I just went through the metal detector. That should be it. Then they check you again. That means, that doesn't fuckin' work, does it? All right, so then they got a thing called a wand. It's the same thing. It's like a metal detector for your hand. And they go, woo-wooo, and then you're clear and then they say, 'well, we'll pat you down'. Well, that didn't fuckin' work either then, did it? And if what you really need to do is pat us down, then pat us down. Pat us the fuck down. Don't do this bullshit. Don't send me through two fake things that don't work."

"The most important part of travel is when you come home, because that's when you see your country with new eyes. I was amazed to realize that we are the only country, that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we are the greatest country on Earth. And that is a little fuckin' obnoxious. And I know it's obnoxious, because if you were in an office, and there was someone there who came in everyday and said, 'I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE! AND YOU SNIVELING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME!!' I can guarantee you by the end of the week you'd have killed him, and eaten him, just to try to possess his power. The amazing thing is that there are people who have never left this country, who talk about the fact that we are the greatest country on Earth. How fuckin' dumb is that? 'Cause you don't know. If you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away everyday! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? HEALTH INSURANCE!"

"Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. And the candy corn company sends the guys out into the villages, to collect out of the dumpsters all the candy corn we've thrown away. They wash it! They wash it! I'll never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, 'Here Lewis! This is corn that tastes like candy!' (takes it, eats it) 'This tastes like crap!' And every year since then, Halloween is returned and I, like an Alzheimer's patient, find myself in a room, and the room has a table in it, and on the table, is a bowl of candy corn. And I look at it, as if I've never seen it before. 'Candy corn,' I think. 'Corn that tastes like candy. I can't wait.' (takes it, takes a bite) 'SON OF A BITCH!'"

"The Catholics have it right. I love what they do. That whole 'the pope's infallible' thing is tremendous. Let's face facts: If you took somebody with no religious leanings whatsoever and locked that person in a psych ward with nobody around and no stimuli, the Catholic church is exactly what he'd come up with. 'Listen to this. There's this old guy in a dress, see? He wears all these great costumes and wherever he says about anything from birth control to what to watch on television, that's it, 'cause pope knows best. He can't lift his head up, but, fuck, he's a genius'."

"And those nights when you fear your car will break down on that lonely stretch of road, you thank God you have a cellular phone and can call for help.... But there won't be any service in the middle of Hoohah, USA. There never is. They don't build towers there. Folks are afraid they won't be able to birth any more babies with a big-ass tower pumping them full of God knows what. So you'll just be sitting at the side of the road, waiting for the guy with the hook to come and kill you. And I guarantee you this. After he's knocked you to the ground and he's about to swing that big old meat hook at your head, his fucking phone will ring. Somehow, psychopaths always get service."

"On Yom Kippur, the rabbi intones 'Today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life...or the Book of DEATH'. I'm five, and I'm going, 'Uhhh, what the fuck is that? The book of WHAT??' Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My biggest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store."

"This is Grand Theft Auto 3. The object of this game, WHO CARES? I'm too busy randomly hitting an old lady with a bat, carjacking a station wagon and running over people, or, my personal favorite, running over the person whose car I just stole, WITH THE CAR I JUST STOLE! Now, THIS is a video game! Rescuing the princess is for PUSSIES!"